Tom Cruise is about to be put into the spotlight with Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. And I say, weeeeee, this could be a fun read!
Look, this new book by the unauthorized biography of Princess Diana, Andrew Morton, seems to be ready to take a chunk out of golden boy Tom. Still, I think Morton is missing the point on how Suri Cruise was conceived. Let me explain.
The allegations of Tom being Scientology’s #2 man seem plausible. The idea that a field of wildflowers was created just so Tom and Nicole Kidman could run through seems more than plausible. The idea that Nicole feared blackmail after being audited seems conceivable. The idea that Tom is actively recruiting Golden Balls Beckham and his bony lady, who were also immortalized by Morton, well that seems to be almost a provable fact.
I wonder if Morton will touch on the closet issue?
Even if Morton does touch on the issue, it will never top the South Park take. But still, Scientology is a cult of stupidity. L. Ron even made comments about the way to real wealth is to start a religion, then started one. This guy was a pulp science fiction writer, and Scientology is a pulp science fiction religion.
People hold two electronic cans hooked to a meter and tell their most intimate details to Scientology while everything is recorded. They pay a lot for this chance to rid themselves of Thetans that are imprisoned in volcanoes sent here in exile by the evil Xenu in DC-8 aircraft , er, spaceships. Or something to that general effect.
Does that sound rational?
If you said yes, stop reading now, you are banned from my media for the rest of time.
But even as Morton makes his allegations, which seem plausible if not outright true, he makes one that does not sit right with me. That being the baby Suri being conceived Rosemary’s Baby style from L. Ron’s saved sperm.
The first problem with that scenario is this. If you took Tom Cruise and Katie and smashed their heads together violently enough to fuse them together, you would get a being that pretty musch resembles Suri. That little girl IS Tom and Katie. And although her parents are loons, she is an adorable little girl. Tom and Katie have good features. Loony, but attractive.
The second problem is, you don’t need saved sperm from L. Ron to impregnate anyone. L. Ron’s ethereal penis is alive and well, and I believe, in my humble opinion, that Tom communes with the L. Ron ethereal penis daily. So, what is the reason I don’t believe Suri was created with the help of the ethereal penis?
I don’t think Tom would ever share it with anyone.
There, I have debunked one of the allegations in Morton’s new book. Tom loves the L. Ron ethereal rod too much to let one ounce of L. Ron go to someone else.
Now, if only someone high enough in Scientology will see this and sue me as well as Morton. I need the attention and traffic.